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Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Hollywood Squares - hilarious!
These great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat ?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness !
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up
almost 15 minutes of the show !)
Q. Do female frogs croak ?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman ?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and
ask him if he's married ?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older ?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You' ?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough' ?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while talking ?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather ?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year ?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet ?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls ?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on it's head he will wag his tail. What
will a goose do ?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark ?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to ?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people ?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it ?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant ?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant ?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex ?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
they ?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed ?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD
BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING !
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Quote this!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Gratitude Campaign
This is pretty neat.....(30 second video)... Have you ever seen one of our military walking past you and wanted to convey to them your thanks, but weren't sure how, or it felt awkward?
Recently, a gentleman from Seattle created a gesture which could be used to express your thanks and has started a movement to get the word out..
Please everybody take just a moment to watch..... The Gratitude Campaign ...and then forward it to your friends! THEN START USING THE SIGN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSfFYxSdKdo
Recently, a gentleman from Seattle created a gesture which could be used to express your thanks and has started a movement to get the word out..
Please everybody take just a moment to watch..... The Gratitude Campaign ...and then forward it to your friends! THEN START USING THE SIGN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSfFYxSdKdo
Monday, September 14, 2009
I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS IN THE NEWSPAPER OR ON THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS
The Sailor pictured below is MIKE MONSOOR, Navy Petty Officer, Explosive Ordnance Disposal, Second Class (April 5th, 1981 ~ September 29th, 2006)
Mike Monsoor, was Awarded "The Congressional Medal Of Honor" last week for giving his life in Iraq, as he jumped on and covered with his body, a live hand grenade that was accidentally dropped by a Navy Seal,saving the lives of a large group of Navy Seals that was passing by!
During Mike Monsoor's funeral, at Ft. Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego, California the six pallbearers removed the rosewood casket from the hearse.
Lined up on each side of Mike Monsoor's casket were his family members, friends, fellow sailors and well-wishers.
The column of people continued from the hearse, all the way to the grave site.
What the group didn't know at the time was every Navy Seal(45 to be exact)that Mike Monsoor saved that day was scattered through-out the column!
As the pallbearers carried the rosewood casket down the column of people to the grave site the column would collapse forming a group of people that followed behind.
Every time the rosewood casket passed a Navy Seal, he would remove his gold Trident Pin from his uniform and slap it down hard causing the gold Trident Pin to embed itself into the top of the wooden casket! Then the Navy Seal would step back from the column and salute!
Now for those who don't know what a Trident Pin is or what it looks like here is the definition and photo!
Basic Navy Seals training lasts for three weeks and is followed by Navy Seal Qualification Training which is 15 more weeks of training. This training is necessary to continue improving basic skills and to learn new tactics and techniques which is required prior to assignment to a Navy Seal Platoon.
After successful completion,trainees are given their Naval Enlisted Code,
and are awarded the Navy Seal Trident Pin.
With this Gold Pin they are now officially Navy Seal's!
It was said that you could hear each of the 45 slaps from across the cemetery!
By the time the rosewood casket reached the grave site it looked as though it had a gold inlay from the 45 Trident Pins that lined the top!
This was a fitting end to an eternal send-off for a warrior hero!
This should be front-page news!
Instead of the garbage we listen to and see every day.
GOD BLESS AND KEEP OUR TROOPS SAFE!
Mike Monsoor, was Awarded "The Congressional Medal Of Honor" last week for giving his life in Iraq, as he jumped on and covered with his body, a live hand grenade that was accidentally dropped by a Navy Seal,saving the lives of a large group of Navy Seals that was passing by!
During Mike Monsoor's funeral, at Ft. Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego, California the six pallbearers removed the rosewood casket from the hearse.
Lined up on each side of Mike Monsoor's casket were his family members, friends, fellow sailors and well-wishers.
The column of people continued from the hearse, all the way to the grave site.
What the group didn't know at the time was every Navy Seal(45 to be exact)that Mike Monsoor saved that day was scattered through-out the column!
As the pallbearers carried the rosewood casket down the column of people to the grave site the column would collapse forming a group of people that followed behind.
Every time the rosewood casket passed a Navy Seal, he would remove his gold Trident Pin from his uniform and slap it down hard causing the gold Trident Pin to embed itself into the top of the wooden casket! Then the Navy Seal would step back from the column and salute!
Now for those who don't know what a Trident Pin is or what it looks like here is the definition and photo!
Basic Navy Seals training lasts for three weeks and is followed by Navy Seal Qualification Training which is 15 more weeks of training. This training is necessary to continue improving basic skills and to learn new tactics and techniques which is required prior to assignment to a Navy Seal Platoon.
After successful completion,trainees are given their Naval Enlisted Code,
and are awarded the Navy Seal Trident Pin.
With this Gold Pin they are now officially Navy Seal's!
It was said that you could hear each of the 45 slaps from across the cemetery!
By the time the rosewood casket reached the grave site it looked as though it had a gold inlay from the 45 Trident Pins that lined the top!
This was a fitting end to an eternal send-off for a warrior hero!
This should be front-page news!
Instead of the garbage we listen to and see every day.
GOD BLESS AND KEEP OUR TROOPS SAFE!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Drafting Guys Over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and
since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and
since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Well-Planned Retirement!
From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payrole.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!
.....
And no one even knows his name.
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payrole.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!
.....
And no one even knows his name.
An Italian Boy's Confession
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Friday, August 7, 2009
John Bloodworth writes...
As you used to say... I have a theory...
I'm not a Reiki master but would like to be. I have had a Reiki session where a group of us would take turns applying reiki to each other. I have been told that I am a Reiki Shaman. I’m not sure what that means. lol. When I first saw a reiki session I said that this is something I have been doing for years and did not know it had a name. I remember being ten years old and trying to get rid of my mother’s headaches. Who knew?
Now let me talk about the Akashic records. I believe in God and Jesus Christ and at this time I don't have a reason not to accept the possibility or probability that the records exist. These records are known by different names including the Book of Life. I have not accessed the Akashic records though I have tried several times through self hypnosis and guided imagery. I am reading several books on this along with listening to Podcasts on this subject. To me it would make sense to believe that they do exist. As with everything in my time of study and research I often think I understand and accept something only to have ten more questions arise.
For the Akashic records to exist and for us humans to access them we would have to accept that they exist in a different dimension and that we can access that dimension probably through hypnosis or mediation. So do these records also hold entries for any and all living beings like Pets, Bugs or viruses? Would the Akashic records hold the entries of past, present and future humans? How about ALIENS from different planets? I do think this is a big place for just humans to be here. No I have not seen any aliens. Lol. So, in the Hall of the Akashic records, are these records on the 27th floor? While aliens and all non human entities have their records on a different floor? Instead of floors are these possibly other dimensions? These other Dimensions would accessed by them in their own way. We know that most hypnosis or meditation occurs in our Alpha State of mind so perhaps an aliens state of mind is always in the Alpha to Theta range. If this were correct then the aliens would always have greater benefit of the communitive collective that I speak of next.
These other dimensions that I hypothesize about could be associative in structure, such as one synapses to another synapse in our own brain. This associative nature would be consistent with many other concepts in the "ologies" that are studied today. These studies range from Physiology to Psychology and from Psychiatry to Sophrology and even Mathematics. MD's today give great credence to the associative and plastistic nature of our brain and our mind. For more information on the concept of association please look into the wonderful subject of MINDMAPS. I love Tony Buzan's book on the subject. To continue... is our existence, our reality just one dimension of many? Do these dimensions exist together connected like ganglia by way of these hypnotic synapses in an infinitely large nebulous tic brain. Perhaps they exist as an ever increasing size of a fractal pattern from the size of a theoretical quark vibration to the spirals of the Milky Way.
As I talk through my theories of structure I often think many of these Ideals would help explain concepts in many other areas of study. With one subject being illustrated on a clear plastic sheet and then other subject outlines being overlaid upon it and then another and another soon you may have my nebuloustic brain. These subjects on this concept overlay are practically unlimited in number. Let me not make a quantum sized mistake when I earlier said "infinitely large" it could be infinitely small allowing for some nifty thoughts of vibrational string theory and entanglement to help explain everything from the flow of Reiki energy to "intuition"
Now, Since I'm writing myself into the loony farm let me go ahead and further hypothesize that it is with "energy" and "intuition" that I touch upon one of my favorite subjects that is the collective unconscious. Imagine for a moment a thread or a matrix, for you computer geeks out there think of a Vlan. This connected but separate network throughout our nebuloustic brain that not only connects infinite dimensions but allows for communication and dare I say travel in such a way that is only limited by our imagination. Our imagination is for the most part "energy" and "intuition" that elicits emotions that are all guided by one chemical reaction or another It is my humble opinion that the nebuloustic brain and the collective unconscious exist and we are just now becoming aware of them and what it could all mean.
Please allow me a side note in that these subjects are vast, deep and wide in sheer volume of information, data and complexity. It is this mountain of data that brings me to rethink my way of positions on learning, knowing and existing. I feel that a lifetime of pursuing this field of study would be a great life indeed. So with the time I have left I must will myself to become ...a better person to empower my learning, knowing and existing to understand our possibilities and probabilities.
Well that's enough for this time.
Next time: More on NLP and Superlearning, Supermind, subconscious mind control and my theories on speaking in tongue as it relates to our collective locality.
Thank you.
John Bloodworth
I'm not a Reiki master but would like to be. I have had a Reiki session where a group of us would take turns applying reiki to each other. I have been told that I am a Reiki Shaman. I’m not sure what that means. lol. When I first saw a reiki session I said that this is something I have been doing for years and did not know it had a name. I remember being ten years old and trying to get rid of my mother’s headaches. Who knew?
Now let me talk about the Akashic records. I believe in God and Jesus Christ and at this time I don't have a reason not to accept the possibility or probability that the records exist. These records are known by different names including the Book of Life. I have not accessed the Akashic records though I have tried several times through self hypnosis and guided imagery. I am reading several books on this along with listening to Podcasts on this subject. To me it would make sense to believe that they do exist. As with everything in my time of study and research I often think I understand and accept something only to have ten more questions arise.
For the Akashic records to exist and for us humans to access them we would have to accept that they exist in a different dimension and that we can access that dimension probably through hypnosis or mediation. So do these records also hold entries for any and all living beings like Pets, Bugs or viruses? Would the Akashic records hold the entries of past, present and future humans? How about ALIENS from different planets? I do think this is a big place for just humans to be here. No I have not seen any aliens. Lol. So, in the Hall of the Akashic records, are these records on the 27th floor? While aliens and all non human entities have their records on a different floor? Instead of floors are these possibly other dimensions? These other Dimensions would accessed by them in their own way. We know that most hypnosis or meditation occurs in our Alpha State of mind so perhaps an aliens state of mind is always in the Alpha to Theta range. If this were correct then the aliens would always have greater benefit of the communitive collective that I speak of next.
These other dimensions that I hypothesize about could be associative in structure, such as one synapses to another synapse in our own brain. This associative nature would be consistent with many other concepts in the "ologies" that are studied today. These studies range from Physiology to Psychology and from Psychiatry to Sophrology and even Mathematics. MD's today give great credence to the associative and plastistic nature of our brain and our mind. For more information on the concept of association please look into the wonderful subject of MINDMAPS. I love Tony Buzan's book on the subject. To continue... is our existence, our reality just one dimension of many? Do these dimensions exist together connected like ganglia by way of these hypnotic synapses in an infinitely large nebulous tic brain. Perhaps they exist as an ever increasing size of a fractal pattern from the size of a theoretical quark vibration to the spirals of the Milky Way.
As I talk through my theories of structure I often think many of these Ideals would help explain concepts in many other areas of study. With one subject being illustrated on a clear plastic sheet and then other subject outlines being overlaid upon it and then another and another soon you may have my nebuloustic brain. These subjects on this concept overlay are practically unlimited in number. Let me not make a quantum sized mistake when I earlier said "infinitely large" it could be infinitely small allowing for some nifty thoughts of vibrational string theory and entanglement to help explain everything from the flow of Reiki energy to "intuition"
Now, Since I'm writing myself into the loony farm let me go ahead and further hypothesize that it is with "energy" and "intuition" that I touch upon one of my favorite subjects that is the collective unconscious. Imagine for a moment a thread or a matrix, for you computer geeks out there think of a Vlan. This connected but separate network throughout our nebuloustic brain that not only connects infinite dimensions but allows for communication and dare I say travel in such a way that is only limited by our imagination. Our imagination is for the most part "energy" and "intuition" that elicits emotions that are all guided by one chemical reaction or another It is my humble opinion that the nebuloustic brain and the collective unconscious exist and we are just now becoming aware of them and what it could all mean.
Please allow me a side note in that these subjects are vast, deep and wide in sheer volume of information, data and complexity. It is this mountain of data that brings me to rethink my way of positions on learning, knowing and existing. I feel that a lifetime of pursuing this field of study would be a great life indeed. So with the time I have left I must will myself to become ...a better person to empower my learning, knowing and existing to understand our possibilities and probabilities.
Well that's enough for this time.
Next time: More on NLP and Superlearning, Supermind, subconscious mind control and my theories on speaking in tongue as it relates to our collective locality.
Thank you.
John Bloodworth
Sunday, August 2, 2009
About Golf, Tom Watson and life
About golf, Tom Watson and life
By Thomas L. Friedman
THE NEW YORK TIMES
2:00 a.m. July 31, 2009
Last April I took a break to caddy for the former U.S. Open champion Andy North when he teamed up with Tom Watson to defend their title in the two-man Liberty Mutual Legends of Golf tournament in Savannah, Ga. So it was with more than a casual spectator's interest that I watched in awe on Armed Forces television from Afghanistan as Watson made his amazing run at winning the British Open at age 59. Watson likes to talk about foreign affairs more than golf. So to let him know just how many people wanted him to win, I e-mailed him before the final round: “Even the Taliban are rooting for you.”
Indeed, I have been struck at how many golfers and non-golfers got caught up in Watson's historic performance – tying for the lead after four rounds at Turnberry, but losing in a playoff to the 36-year-old Stewart Cink. I was not alone in being devastated that Watson was not able to par the last hole and clinch the win. Like millions of others, I shouted at the TV as his ball ran across the 18th green – heading for trouble – “STOP! STOP! STOP!” as if I personally had something at stake. Why was that?
Many reasons. For starters, Watson's run was freaky unusual – a 59-year-old man who had played his opening two rounds in this tournament with a 16-year-old Italian amateur – was able to best the greatest golfers in the world at least a decade after anyone would have dreamed it possible. Watching this happen actually widened our sense of what any of us is capable of. That is, when Kobe Bryant scores 70 points, we are in awe. When Tiger Woods wins by 15 strokes, we are in awe. But when a man our own age and size whips the world's best – who are half his age – we identify.
Of course, Watson has unique golfing skills, but if you are a baby boomer you could not help but look at him and say something you would never say about Tiger or Kobe: “He's my age; he's my build; he's my height; and he even had his hip replaced like me. If he can do that, maybe I can do something like that, too.”
Neil Oxman, Watson's caddy, who is a top Democratic political consultant in his real life, told me: “After Thursday's round with Tom, when we left the scoring tent I said to him, 'You know, this is a thing.' He understood what I meant. On Sunday morning, the two of us were in the corner of the locker room without another human being around, sitting in these two easy chairs facing each other behind a partition. We were chatting about stuff, and I said to him, 'For a lot of people, what you're doing is life-affirming.' I took it from a story about when Betty Comden and Adolph Green – the writers of “Singin' in the Rain” – showed Leonard Bernstein the famous scene of Gene Kelly. Bernstein said to them, 'That scene is an affirmation of life.' What Tom did last week was an affirmation of life.”
Also, as Watson himself appreciates, the way he lost the tournament underscored why golf is the sport most like life. He hit two perfect shots on the 18th hole in the final round, and the second one bounced just a little too hard and ran through the green, leaving him a difficult chip back, which he was unable to get up and down. Had his ball stopped a foot shorter, he would have had an easy two-putt and a win.
That's the point. Baseball, basketball and football are played on flat surfaces designed to give true bounces. Golf is played on an uneven terrain designed to surprise. Good and bad bounces are built into the essence of the game. And the reason golf is so much like life is that the game – like life – is all about how you react to those good and bad bounces. Do you blame your caddy? Do you cheat? Do you throw your clubs? Or do you accept it all with dignity and grace and move on, as Watson always has. Hence the saying: Play one round of golf with someone, and you will learn everything you need to know about his character.
Golf is all about individual character. The ball is fixed. No one throws it to you. You initiate the swing, and you alone have to live with the results. There are no teammates to blame or commiserate with. Also, pro golfers, unlike baseball, football or basketball players, have no fixed salaries. They eat what they kill. If they score well, they make money. If they don't, they don't make money. I wonder what the average NBA player's free-throw shooting percentage would be if he had to make free throws to get paid the way golfers have to make three-foot putts?
This wonderful but cruel game never stops testing or teaching you. “The only comment I can make,” Watson told me after, “is one that the immortal Bobby Jones related: 'One learns from defeat, not from victory.' I may never have the chance again to beat the kids, but I took one thing from the last hole: hitting both the tee shot and the approach shots exactly the way I meant to wasn't good enough. . . . I had to finish.”
So Tom Watson got a brutal lesson in golf that he'll never forget, but he gave us all an incredible lesson in possibilities – one we'll never forget.
By Thomas L. Friedman
THE NEW YORK TIMES
2:00 a.m. July 31, 2009
Last April I took a break to caddy for the former U.S. Open champion Andy North when he teamed up with Tom Watson to defend their title in the two-man Liberty Mutual Legends of Golf tournament in Savannah, Ga. So it was with more than a casual spectator's interest that I watched in awe on Armed Forces television from Afghanistan as Watson made his amazing run at winning the British Open at age 59. Watson likes to talk about foreign affairs more than golf. So to let him know just how many people wanted him to win, I e-mailed him before the final round: “Even the Taliban are rooting for you.”
Indeed, I have been struck at how many golfers and non-golfers got caught up in Watson's historic performance – tying for the lead after four rounds at Turnberry, but losing in a playoff to the 36-year-old Stewart Cink. I was not alone in being devastated that Watson was not able to par the last hole and clinch the win. Like millions of others, I shouted at the TV as his ball ran across the 18th green – heading for trouble – “STOP! STOP! STOP!” as if I personally had something at stake. Why was that?
Many reasons. For starters, Watson's run was freaky unusual – a 59-year-old man who had played his opening two rounds in this tournament with a 16-year-old Italian amateur – was able to best the greatest golfers in the world at least a decade after anyone would have dreamed it possible. Watching this happen actually widened our sense of what any of us is capable of. That is, when Kobe Bryant scores 70 points, we are in awe. When Tiger Woods wins by 15 strokes, we are in awe. But when a man our own age and size whips the world's best – who are half his age – we identify.
Of course, Watson has unique golfing skills, but if you are a baby boomer you could not help but look at him and say something you would never say about Tiger or Kobe: “He's my age; he's my build; he's my height; and he even had his hip replaced like me. If he can do that, maybe I can do something like that, too.”
Neil Oxman, Watson's caddy, who is a top Democratic political consultant in his real life, told me: “After Thursday's round with Tom, when we left the scoring tent I said to him, 'You know, this is a thing.' He understood what I meant. On Sunday morning, the two of us were in the corner of the locker room without another human being around, sitting in these two easy chairs facing each other behind a partition. We were chatting about stuff, and I said to him, 'For a lot of people, what you're doing is life-affirming.' I took it from a story about when Betty Comden and Adolph Green – the writers of “Singin' in the Rain” – showed Leonard Bernstein the famous scene of Gene Kelly. Bernstein said to them, 'That scene is an affirmation of life.' What Tom did last week was an affirmation of life.”
Also, as Watson himself appreciates, the way he lost the tournament underscored why golf is the sport most like life. He hit two perfect shots on the 18th hole in the final round, and the second one bounced just a little too hard and ran through the green, leaving him a difficult chip back, which he was unable to get up and down. Had his ball stopped a foot shorter, he would have had an easy two-putt and a win.
That's the point. Baseball, basketball and football are played on flat surfaces designed to give true bounces. Golf is played on an uneven terrain designed to surprise. Good and bad bounces are built into the essence of the game. And the reason golf is so much like life is that the game – like life – is all about how you react to those good and bad bounces. Do you blame your caddy? Do you cheat? Do you throw your clubs? Or do you accept it all with dignity and grace and move on, as Watson always has. Hence the saying: Play one round of golf with someone, and you will learn everything you need to know about his character.
Golf is all about individual character. The ball is fixed. No one throws it to you. You initiate the swing, and you alone have to live with the results. There are no teammates to blame or commiserate with. Also, pro golfers, unlike baseball, football or basketball players, have no fixed salaries. They eat what they kill. If they score well, they make money. If they don't, they don't make money. I wonder what the average NBA player's free-throw shooting percentage would be if he had to make free throws to get paid the way golfers have to make three-foot putts?
This wonderful but cruel game never stops testing or teaching you. “The only comment I can make,” Watson told me after, “is one that the immortal Bobby Jones related: 'One learns from defeat, not from victory.' I may never have the chance again to beat the kids, but I took one thing from the last hole: hitting both the tee shot and the approach shots exactly the way I meant to wasn't good enough. . . . I had to finish.”
So Tom Watson got a brutal lesson in golf that he'll never forget, but he gave us all an incredible lesson in possibilities – one we'll never forget.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Law of Attraction
Every thought that you think is vibrating at a very personal frequency . . . and by the powerful Law of Attraction (the essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn), that thought is now attracting another thought that is its Vibrational Match. And now, those combined thoughts are vibrating at a frequency that is higher than the thought that came before; and they will now, by the Law of Attraction, attract another and another and another, until eventually the thoughts will be powerful enough to attract a "real life" situation or manifestation.
--- Abraham
--- Abraham
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below-par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You still can make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
?
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
#10... A below-par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You still can make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
?
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
IKEA to take over GM
Business Update
Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM
From now on, when buying a GM car,
Some Assembly will be Required
I know it’s a Rabbit but you get the point!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM
From now on, when buying a GM car,
Some Assembly will be Required
I know it’s a Rabbit but you get the point!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Paul Harvey writes:
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukkah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukkah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A Classic
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Steven Wright
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
— Steven Wright
— Steven Wright
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
How do you feel?
The only thing that makes the difference in the way you feel right now is the thought that you are thinking right now.
Friday, May 8, 2009
45 Lessons Life Taught Me
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,
Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what
their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't
worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy
lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is
special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five
years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything
you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone
else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what
their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't
worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy
lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is
special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five
years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything
you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone
else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
WRONG Answer!
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not.
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd probably get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with hurt look on her face)
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it would be there in the garage...
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
(silence)
HUSBAND:
SH*T!!!
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not.
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd probably get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with hurt look on her face)
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it would be there in the garage...
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
(silence)
HUSBAND:
SH*T!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy
I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote:
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND !!!!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons..)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage . I was thinking,'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full "Fire Hose Mode." You would have no choice but to burn your house...
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'
And the best one of all..
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there'...
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy
I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote:
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND !!!!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons..)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage . I was thinking,'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full "Fire Hose Mode." You would have no choice but to burn your house...
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'
And the best one of all..
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there'...
Celibacy
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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